crossing the hall.

day one at hollister co is complete. an entirely different experience than that of abercrombie & fitch. (mainly because of those whom i work with). and not all too shabby. just different. two almost married woman, a relaxed guy, and a roommate whom is single and just graduated from college... is a gigantic variation from two dudes who are obsessed with working out and another dude who just goes about his own business. not to mention the variance in the "type" of associates...

but all will be well. and i will continue forward and figure it out. lighting, shelving, magazines, and all.

but my evening hopefully will hold a tidbit of fun before i journey back into the dark cave of hollister at 6am tomorrow (yes, less than 12 hours from now). mexican food, margaritas, and an eventful walk are in my near future... who can complain about that?

the unexpected path.

life never follows the path one thinks it will. as evidenced by my current state of life. and i must keep reminding myself that there is a reason for where i am. there is a reason for what i must experience. there is simply a reason.

if only it were easier to explain that point to other people...

for now. a good book. a nonfat chai. a pen and paper. and a pool shall suffice.

the little things.

dinner tonight... a delightful meal of gluten free mac & cheese (something i've been missing for way too long). a turkey burger. fresh salad. and a glass of wine.

pure delight.

you wish you could have joined.

in other news... wii active has become my new favorite pasttime which has resulted in one incredibly sore lil lady.

now if only the healthy eating and working out could result in guys older than 17 hitting on me. life would be grand.

dreams of a fairy tale.

i wonder. why little girls dream of life as a fairy tale.

and why those fairy tales that are dreamt rarely come true.

life is messy. life throws a cliff in front of you every once in awhile.

basically, life is not the fairy tale every little girl dreams of.

and in your mid-twenties that reality hits hard.

graduated with a bachelors. graduated with a masters. and at the tender age of 24.

and yet, life is not the fairy tale dream.

reality leaves us with thoughts. with concerns. with messiness. with 9 hours of dance music a day and a necessary glass of wine upon entry into ones current apartment.

wondering how to proceed. wondering what the next step should be. wondering (always) why my fairy tale has yet to come true (and if it ever will).

(but then i ponder: what would my life be without my fairy tale dream).

non-forte.

the question has been posed. why am i so horrible at expressing at my emotions? why do i shy away from such moments in life?

in answer. i would welcome a glimpse at the moments i have chosen to express said feelings.

maybe i have always been way off base. maybe i am constantly thrown for a loop.

but expressing my feelings has never really been a positive experience. and no. i do not simply mean in terms of relationships. i mean in life. feelings are not really my forte. 

either they do not come out right. or they result in myself being hurt. and this little woman can only be strong on her own for so much longer. (and no, i am not overextended). i am simply in need of care. i am simply in need of being needed. 

(is that so bad?).

for now. i am off to pack for the drive home. goody gumdrops.

oh for simplicity.

keep telling self not to cry. keep repeating. keep reminding self that life is good. 

positivity. it keeps all afloat. right?

crystal light. coffee. wine.

(and all i want to do is form a tight circular figure and well... let the tears spill). and the words will not come. and i am down to five hours til this final is due. and all is slipping away as each moment passes. and words are not figuring within my mind (for the paper or for my realizations). 

and i just want to be listened to.

instead, my electricity will be turned off unexpectantly as i rush to finish a paper. a perfect reminder that i am not in charge of this life. (and i thank god for candle-light and wine). 

all-nighters with a mind on a million other things. lead to ramblings that make no sense.

oh for simplicity. oh for the realistic belief that i could live in a truly simplistic understanding of life. where life is only life. and where what is thought is said. without preconceived notions. without worry. oh for simplicity.

in the midst.

i find myself in the midst of another paper that is supposed to be written. and yet the motivation factor is nonexistent.

the new job began today. excellent. enjoyable. excitement.

and my mind is wrapped around a thousand other thoughts. stupid emotions. (i now remember the reason i have always worked so hard to bury said feelings). 

i will continue to remind myself that being alone does not necessarily mean i must be lonely. especially during the holidays. i mean, check out the positives here. (my personal fave may have something to do with not worrying about how drunk you get as there is no necessary screwing later in the evening). classy. and classic. bring on the hot chocolate (and peppermint schnapps).

but the night is passing quickly. and my next shift with the new place of employment will soon greet my weary eyes that will have not slept a wink. and i imagine there will still be few words on paper by that point in time.

so i bid thee adieu.